Disquiet Time by Jennifer Grant & Cathleen Falsani

Author:Jennifer Grant & Cathleen Falsani [GRANT, JENNIFER & FALSANI, CATHLEEN]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Religion / Christian Life / Inspirational, Religion / Christian Life / Spiritual Growth, Religion / Biblical Criticism & Interpretation / General
Publisher: FaithWords
Published: 2014-10-28T00:00:00+00:00

Stillness

Alice Currah

O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

—Psalms 143:1 NIV

Baring my soul naked before God should feel safe, comforting, and natural—like a baby girl who feels secure in her daddy’s arms, knowing she is the apple of his eye.

Yet even though I know that God—the creator of the universe—fashioned me together as a complicated, multifaceted quilt, my struggle with unbelief is my constant companion, affecting me every day.

My hunger to search for God beyond the walls of the church has led me down a path I did not choose for myself; I believe God chose it for me. To know God, my Abba Father, for myself—and not from the pulpit, from dogmatic theology, or from the well-intentioned church people who maintain these things—has taught me that if I want to really know God in a deep, personal way, I must seek his heart and not his hand.

Wrestling with unbelief has less to do with my faith in God and more to do with trusting him to the point of constant surrender. Seeking God’s heart challenges me to allow him into my deepest fears, hurts, and unfulfilled dreams. To stand soul-naked before him without a facade to clothe me—covering my insecurities or projecting a false confidence in the hope of winning him over—also gives me permission to doubt.

With my faith truly on the line, my spiritual journey has always been a cinematic adventure. Life-and-death battles, heroes, villains, angels, and devils have all played critical roles, but my relentlessness in pursuing God has made my story always about redemption and unwavering grace. It has caused me to look at the world with eyes of compassion.

Believing in God is easier for me than trusting in his love for me.

When I lay my head down each night, too often I allow the weight of my burdens to anchor me in a sea of my own self-pity. It is at that moment I hear God calling to me to relax and be still. With my eyes closed, I try to avoid his invitation. Ashamed by the way I’ve failed in the day that’s gone before, I intentionally avoid having a conversation with my heavenly Father. Then guilt sets in.

This plays out nightly, and I’m aware of how silly it is to avoid God when he knows everything I am feeling and thinking. Yet he allows me to ignore him. Others would judge me for this, but God doesn’t. God knows my heart, and he sees a very wounded girl when he looks at me. He knows the reason I avoid him during my nightly meditation time is not because I don’t want to converse with him but because I often cannot let myself come before him with flaws, bruises, and brokenness.

Yet it is through the brokenness that I know he desires to reach me and free me from my own bondage of pride. Still… it is too difficult for me. What eats me up inside is knowing just how patient God is.

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